Lies that stupid people tell you in the age of Wikipedia

Happy Easter to those of you that celebrate it.

Not a big deal to me, Easter. Hasn't been since the discovery of no Easter Bunny. That was even more disappointing to me than Santa Claus for some reason. I remember being really bummed out when I was 7 years old when I found this out.

I was collecting rocks on a North Shore Beach early this morning. They're for Soo's backyard. I got 4 buckets full of them. I slightly wondered if I was engaging in illegal activites and wondered what I was going to say if a cop passed by.

"What're you doing?" The cop would implore. I could tell the truth and hope against hope that the cop would know who the person was I was rock collecting for and let me off with a slap on the wrist. Then I started thinking up creative lies to tell and started laughing like a hyaena. Good job no other fucker was there to take note. I cannot imagine what I'd have looked like out there doubled over in fits of laughter collecting up a bunch of rocks. The best stories I thought up were that I was collecting rocks for my brand new cave I was moving into. I was going to go to some 'dumb country' and pass them off as money. I was going to bring the 'Pet Rock' fad back big time and then rattle off some names. I was going to whip 'em at Dale Bozio the next time she comes back to The Crazy Donkey. Yep. I kill me.

While those lies were mildly amusing (to me) and served a purpose, it got me thinking about all of the stupid hideous liars I've known over the course of time and I narrowed it down to 2 idiots.

Step up William S - liar number one. The first time I met this doofus he told me that he attended the in-store signing at Tower Records in NYC in 1985 for Kate Bush. He said he never did get to meet her. 'Why not?' I asked. 'Because the fans were so over-excited that they tipped her limosine over and she didn't bother to sign anything.

'NEVER. HAPPENED. BECAUSE. I. WAS. THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh man! I so wanted to call him out on his bull shit, but I didn't. Well, I did two years later, but I'm digressing. Kate Bush arrived and signed hundreds, perhaps thousands, of items for people who came from as far away as Virginia. She was wearing a blue blazer, red bow around her neck as a tie, a white blouse and white courdoroys. She looked gorgeous. My friend, Allyson Howlett, brought her camera and got tons of great pics of her signing. The best pic was a pic taken just as Kate was getting out of the white limo. I had copies of those for years, but they got lost through one too many moves. 'The box that held everything' is how I refer to anything that went missing on my last move. But yeah - tipped the limo over.

Did he ever THINK he might run into someone who'd know he was full of shit? ESPECIALLY IN NEW YORK CITY?!?!

His face melted when I called him on it that summer of 1999.

I was recently in a record shop (somewhere) and a Kate Bush picture disc caught my eye. I looked at it and had a serious giggle to myself because one side featured a piccie of her, from that fateful day at that Tower in-store appearance. I thought to myself: 'Oh, I thought she never made it because her LIMO WAS TIPPED OVER!!!'

BWAH HA HA!

Liar number two? Gloria 'The Gorilla' Roberts. Never, in my life, have I known someone to spin such utter nonsense and bull shit for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Usually there's a reason for telling a little white lie here and there. To spare someone's feelings for example. This dumb bitch, the first night I met her, told me her 70-something year old mother was a gang member in The Crips. Yep, you read that correctly. The Crips. I was a little too tired to really question it so I let her dig that hole as deep as she was willing to go.

'Uh, yeah, my momma, she had a friend who invited her to his club in Harlem and that's how you got into those gangs back in those days... yeah!'

Well, Wikipedia begs to differ. Here's the opening line of 'history' of The Crips:

Stanley "Tookie" Williams met Raymond Lee Washington in 1969, and the two decided to unite their local gang members from the west and east sides of South Central Los Angeles in order to battle neighboring street gangs. Most of the members were seventeen years old.

Gloria is a 50 year old hag. I somehow doubt her momma was running around with a bunch of 17 year olds when she was a 40-something frau. Who the hell was watching 12 year old Gloria when Momma was out in L.A. threatenin' to CUTCHA BEE-OTCH!?!


The other big lie I caught the cunt in is when she claimed to see the case of Mark Fontes, in Tucson, Arizona, profiled on Unsolved Mysteries. I immediately smelt bullshit on that one. In short, Mark was whacked in the back of the head in early 2004 while out at a bar in Tucson. It was reported as a 'gay bashing,' however, according to Tucsonian police, it was widely speculated that it was a crime of passion committed by the psycho ex-boyfriend. Mark, himself, even told me this.

Anyhoo, I'm digressing... Mark had a VHS tape of the local news reporting it. We watched it. When it was over, Gloria The Gorilla exclaimed, 'Oh Marky, I saw dat profiled on America's Unsolved Mysteries an' after I sat there an' watched it; I cried. Yeah! Yes I did!'

I almost broke my neck rushing home that night to google Unsolved Mysteries. I got home and found their official site. Guess what? That show went OUT OF PRODUCTION in 2002!!! Wiffle Ball Head was attacked in 2004! I'd love to know what episode of Unsolved Mysteries that dumb bitch was watching if she REALLY DID see that televised. I don't know how Mark held his tongue either.

For Unsolved Mysteries to have picked that up, they certainly would have contacted him. He's a total attention whore on top of that - so had that happened, I KNOW he'd have told me he was profiled on that show. Christ, he'd likely have had it tattooed on his fucking forehead!

Not to diminish the dynamic of his story but it was only a local Tucson story anyway. I have a friend in Phoenix. He'd never even heard of the case, and Phoenix is a 90 minute drive from Tucson.

Honestly, I guess liars are naturally stupid. I feel like this: If I'm your friend, then you never ever have to lie to me. And if you really feel the need to make up stories to make yourself seem that much more interesting, then at least do some fucking research to back your bullshit up. Has to be said though - I love busting big fucking liars when they start spinning their shit.