More retarded liars in the age of Wikipedia

I had a great time writing that 'liars' blog the other day.
It was something 'That Guy' posted in the comments section (Of my MySpace blog) that made me realize one the world's biggest chronic liars completely slipped my mind. Step up Judine F - you big ole man-faced dyke. Holy shit - what a piece of work this hag was.

Let me start painting this vulgar picture by giving you an image of Judine to look at and vomit over:



Frightening, huh? Did you ever think you'd see a lesbian that looked THAT MUCH like a cartoon character/stereotype? This monumental mess only decided to become friends with me because she wanted to get close to my best friend. (Loser.) However, after spending sufficient time together, she decided she liked me enough to (almost) forget about her original agenda.

She has a deli that also specializes in collectibles and vintage toys from the 1970s. In short, if you need a Vinnie Barbarino pinball machine or a vintage Cher doll, by Mego, you can likely find it there. It's a weird concept but not a bad one.

Since I grew up in the '70s, and paid particular attention to all the kiddie stuff of the time, I was pretty knowledgable. She hired me and we spent countless hours re-arranging the store every month. It was totally unnecessary but I was getting paid so I didn't care. I SHOULD HAVE been paid more, mind you. Judine had a ton of money but she was a notoriously cheap bitch.

Anyhoo, when we first met she claimed Tony Danza was her cousin. She later said Victoria Gotti was also her cousin. I bought the 'Tony Danza is my cousin' story only because I found it hard to believe she'd lie about something so incredibly stupid. Who'd serious brag about Tony Danza being a relative? When she said the same thing about Gotti, I immediately smelt the bullshit. If Victoria Gotti and Tony Danza were distantly related, then I'd have read about that in The Star or The Enquirer before then. I learned, that night, to not believe absolutely everything Spike had to say.

Judine, like most big, scary lesbians is a massive Joan Jett fan. She went so far as to tell me that she was Joan Jett's drummer for a time. I was never a huge fan of Joanie's so I didn't really care to follow up on it... that is, until we fell out of course! LOL! Once again, Wikipedia, and Joan's own homepage, beg to differ with Miss J, Queen Lez of The Vintage Toys and Foot Longs.

Judine claimed that she was drummer for Joan in the late '70s. She is about 47 or 48 years old. This made her Joan Jett's drummer when she was still in high school. The other big hole in the story is that the Blackhearts didn't exist at that time. Joan was in The Runaways. Didn't The Runaways line-up also include LITA FORD? Why no mention of Lita, Judi baby? Oh yeah - Judine went to high school on Long Island, New York. Joan Jett was in Los Angeles in the late '70s.... You were her drummer even though you were 3,000 miles away from each other? OOPS, MESS! OOPS!

The other huge lies Judine told me, that I thoroughly, enjoyed were that she was the head chef at Serendipity in NYC. Serendipity, for those of you that are unaware, specializes in ICE CREAM! Don't think there's much call for a real chef there, Judi-babes.

She was also a regular patron of Studio 54 back in the day. She hung out with Halston, Liza, Andy Warhol and Debbie Harry. REALLY, Mess? When she dropped that bomb, it was 2 o'clock in the morning and I was feeling a little slap happy due to a lack of sleep, but I was still coherent enough to know that NEVER HAPPENED! I had just watched a special about Studio 54 a couple of months prior on VH1. I knew exactly what to ask the dope.

'So Judine,' I asked, 'how old were you when you were hangin' out with Debbie Harry and Cher?''About 22 or 23, I ws really freekin' young dere,' She replied. Don't forget, Judine is now approximately 48 years old. Studio 54's hey-day was when she was about 15 years old. Really, Judine... you were 15 YEARS OLD when you were going to Studio 54? STEVE RUBELL LET YOU THROUGH THE DOOR LOOKING LIKE THE HOT MESS YOU'VE ALWAYS LOOKED LIKE?

I was so tempted to burst her bubble but I opted to stay silent. I knew I'd be ripping her apart later with various mutual friends of ours, so I let her think I was hanging onto every word and believing it when I was jagging a fork in the back of my paw. Then came her pièce de résistance - My best poker face ever. She told me that she went into Studio 54 one night with a girlfriend (always some nameless person who has since died) and that girlfriend complained to her that Grace Jones was trying to pick her up for a red-hot lezzie session.

She said that her girlfriend ran up to her and begged her get rid of the black chick that kept trying to pick her up. 'I'll take care of dat freekin' nigga,' said Judine. She walked up to the woman and, to her surprise, it turned out to be none other than Grace Jones. You know what she said to her? 'Leave my goilfriend alone, ya fat, freekin nigga' or else I'll bust youse in the mouth!'

With that Grace Jones high tailed it out of there like she never high tailed it out of there.

Sure Judine, you called Grace Jones 'a nigger,' threated her with violence in the middle of Studio 54, in 1977, and NOTHING HAPPENED TO YOU!

Ok, WHERE TO BEGIN!?!.... first of all that shit definitely would have made the news. Secondly, do you think Grace Jones would take that shit from some loud mouthed 15 year old dyke lying down? Oh, HELLZ NO! Judine would have left Studio 54 with a big-ass spiked heel sticking out of her forehead that night had she even dared to say such a thing to Miss Grace. She'd have had a whole lot of Grace up in her face!

Looking back I have seriously mixed feelings about the whole scenario. I sort of feel offended that she thought I was that stupid to buy her lies, but I also feel sorry for her that she thought she had to tell me those lies in order for me to like being around her. It had the reverse effect. Not only did I grow to NOT like her very much, I dodn't trust her either. She had these two other friends, Theresa and Kit, and whenever I got a fresh plate of bullshit from Judine, I'd immediately run over to them and tell them everything. We'd laugh our asses off and call her the World's Biggest Douchebag. We still get a ton of milage out of it.

Not only was Judine a huge liar - she also said some of the grossest things I ever heard come out of anyone's mouth. I always found the humor in it though. One night when we were knee deep in various variations of Wizard of Oz dolls, Natalie Merchant came on the radio. I passed the comment that it was great to hear (whatever song it was) on the radio, because I hadn't heard it in years. Her reply you ask?

'I love her. I'd eat her out all night.'

How do you follow up to that? You can't!

I told Allie that story some years later and she almost fell out of the chair laughing. After we howled for a couple of minutes, I tried to explain my thoughts. I never hung out with hardcore lesbians before so I assumed that sort of conversation was normal. After all, I've heard plenty of men say stuff like that.

'NO,' said Allie, 'Real women don't say things like that, EVER!'

'So are you saying Judine's not a real woman.'

'NO SHE'S NOT!'We still text each other 'I'd eat her out all night' on occasion.

OK, I'm done talking about liars, gorillas and big scary lesbians!

Lies that stupid people tell you in the age of Wikipedia

Happy Easter to those of you that celebrate it.

Not a big deal to me, Easter. Hasn't been since the discovery of no Easter Bunny. That was even more disappointing to me than Santa Claus for some reason. I remember being really bummed out when I was 7 years old when I found this out.

I was collecting rocks on a North Shore Beach early this morning. They're for Soo's backyard. I got 4 buckets full of them. I slightly wondered if I was engaging in illegal activites and wondered what I was going to say if a cop passed by.

"What're you doing?" The cop would implore. I could tell the truth and hope against hope that the cop would know who the person was I was rock collecting for and let me off with a slap on the wrist. Then I started thinking up creative lies to tell and started laughing like a hyaena. Good job no other fucker was there to take note. I cannot imagine what I'd have looked like out there doubled over in fits of laughter collecting up a bunch of rocks. The best stories I thought up were that I was collecting rocks for my brand new cave I was moving into. I was going to go to some 'dumb country' and pass them off as money. I was going to bring the 'Pet Rock' fad back big time and then rattle off some names. I was going to whip 'em at Dale Bozio the next time she comes back to The Crazy Donkey. Yep. I kill me.

While those lies were mildly amusing (to me) and served a purpose, it got me thinking about all of the stupid hideous liars I've known over the course of time and I narrowed it down to 2 idiots.

Step up William S - liar number one. The first time I met this doofus he told me that he attended the in-store signing at Tower Records in NYC in 1985 for Kate Bush. He said he never did get to meet her. 'Why not?' I asked. 'Because the fans were so over-excited that they tipped her limosine over and she didn't bother to sign anything.

'NEVER. HAPPENED. BECAUSE. I. WAS. THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh man! I so wanted to call him out on his bull shit, but I didn't. Well, I did two years later, but I'm digressing. Kate Bush arrived and signed hundreds, perhaps thousands, of items for people who came from as far away as Virginia. She was wearing a blue blazer, red bow around her neck as a tie, a white blouse and white courdoroys. She looked gorgeous. My friend, Allyson Howlett, brought her camera and got tons of great pics of her signing. The best pic was a pic taken just as Kate was getting out of the white limo. I had copies of those for years, but they got lost through one too many moves. 'The box that held everything' is how I refer to anything that went missing on my last move. But yeah - tipped the limo over.

Did he ever THINK he might run into someone who'd know he was full of shit? ESPECIALLY IN NEW YORK CITY?!?!

His face melted when I called him on it that summer of 1999.

I was recently in a record shop (somewhere) and a Kate Bush picture disc caught my eye. I looked at it and had a serious giggle to myself because one side featured a piccie of her, from that fateful day at that Tower in-store appearance. I thought to myself: 'Oh, I thought she never made it because her LIMO WAS TIPPED OVER!!!'

BWAH HA HA!

Liar number two? Gloria 'The Gorilla' Roberts. Never, in my life, have I known someone to spin such utter nonsense and bull shit for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Usually there's a reason for telling a little white lie here and there. To spare someone's feelings for example. This dumb bitch, the first night I met her, told me her 70-something year old mother was a gang member in The Crips. Yep, you read that correctly. The Crips. I was a little too tired to really question it so I let her dig that hole as deep as she was willing to go.

'Uh, yeah, my momma, she had a friend who invited her to his club in Harlem and that's how you got into those gangs back in those days... yeah!'

Well, Wikipedia begs to differ. Here's the opening line of 'history' of The Crips:

Stanley "Tookie" Williams met Raymond Lee Washington in 1969, and the two decided to unite their local gang members from the west and east sides of South Central Los Angeles in order to battle neighboring street gangs. Most of the members were seventeen years old.

Gloria is a 50 year old hag. I somehow doubt her momma was running around with a bunch of 17 year olds when she was a 40-something frau. Who the hell was watching 12 year old Gloria when Momma was out in L.A. threatenin' to CUTCHA BEE-OTCH!?!


The other big lie I caught the cunt in is when she claimed to see the case of Mark Fontes, in Tucson, Arizona, profiled on Unsolved Mysteries. I immediately smelt bullshit on that one. In short, Mark was whacked in the back of the head in early 2004 while out at a bar in Tucson. It was reported as a 'gay bashing,' however, according to Tucsonian police, it was widely speculated that it was a crime of passion committed by the psycho ex-boyfriend. Mark, himself, even told me this.

Anyhoo, I'm digressing... Mark had a VHS tape of the local news reporting it. We watched it. When it was over, Gloria The Gorilla exclaimed, 'Oh Marky, I saw dat profiled on America's Unsolved Mysteries an' after I sat there an' watched it; I cried. Yeah! Yes I did!'

I almost broke my neck rushing home that night to google Unsolved Mysteries. I got home and found their official site. Guess what? That show went OUT OF PRODUCTION in 2002!!! Wiffle Ball Head was attacked in 2004! I'd love to know what episode of Unsolved Mysteries that dumb bitch was watching if she REALLY DID see that televised. I don't know how Mark held his tongue either.

For Unsolved Mysteries to have picked that up, they certainly would have contacted him. He's a total attention whore on top of that - so had that happened, I KNOW he'd have told me he was profiled on that show. Christ, he'd likely have had it tattooed on his fucking forehead!

Not to diminish the dynamic of his story but it was only a local Tucson story anyway. I have a friend in Phoenix. He'd never even heard of the case, and Phoenix is a 90 minute drive from Tucson.

Honestly, I guess liars are naturally stupid. I feel like this: If I'm your friend, then you never ever have to lie to me. And if you really feel the need to make up stories to make yourself seem that much more interesting, then at least do some fucking research to back your bullshit up. Has to be said though - I love busting big fucking liars when they start spinning their shit.